On Tuesday the 29th February I had the great pleasure of visiting the Bumbershoot Yacht Club and am pleased to submit my report detailing my experience and the hospitality I received to the membership.

Nestled on the fog-kissed shores of Lake Mysterium—an inconveniently landlocked body of water in the middle of Dorset—the Bumbershoot Yacht Club has long stood as a beacon of nautical nonsense, unearned prestige, and bottomless brunches.

Founded in 1872 by retired Prussian aristocrat Sir Archibald von Dandycloak and his pet flamingo, Percival, the club’s mission was clear: To never, ever sail, but to look bloody marvelous pretending to.

The clubhouse, a sprawling Victorian monstrosity rumored to have been floated across the plains on barrels of sherry, boasts seven dining rooms, two theaters (one for humans, one for puppets), and an underwater cigar lounge accessible only to members who can hold their breath for five minutes or longer.

Exclusive Membership, Confusing Requirements

Getting into Bumbershoot isn’t easy. Hopefuls must submit a 12,000-word essay on the sociopolitical impact of seersucker, a watercolor of a disappointed badger, and a $14,000 application fee payable only in Peruvian silver doubloons. A live goose must also vouch for your character.

“It’s really about who you know,” explains Commodore Beverly T. Swankington, while sipping a lavender-infused mimosa from a chalice carved from whale bone (ethically sourced, allegedly). “Or rather, who your great-grandfather’s butler used to polish boots for.”

Boats? Technically.

Despite being a “yacht” club, the closest thing to an actual seaworthy vessel is a pedal-powered swan named The Duchess of Waddle. Once a year, members drunkenly race it around Lake Mysterium during the famed Regatta de Ridiculé, an event that’s been described as “deeply confusing and slightly erotic” by local news outlets.

When asked why there are no real yachts, Vice Commodore Larchmont Featherstone replied, “Darling, yachts are so 2020s. We’re into conceptual yachting now. It’s about the idea of luxury adrift.”

The Future of Bumbershoot

Plans for expansion include a heliport made entirely of aged Gouda, a marble statue of Poseidon riding a unicycle, and a reality show on streaming titled Below Deck: Nowhere Near Water.

As the sun sets over the prairie waves of Dorset, the Bumbershoot Yacht Club remains a testament to absurd luxury, fabricated tradition, and the power of wealthy people with too much time and even more imagination.

Or as the club motto goes: “Velis et Ventis… Simulatum Est.” (“With Sails and Winds… We’re Just Kidding.”)

In Memorium: Reginald Thistlethorp IV – May his assailant never know the peace of dry socks.